For the Betraying Spouse
“Why would I ever agree to this? It sounds incredibly difficult; stressful and triggering!”
And you would be absolutely right to ask that because it is a difficult and stressful process. It is also an incredibly courageous thing to do for yourself and your wife.
The “Why”
Without pulling any punches, let me help you sort out that “Why?”
First, and foremost, you can never be or claim to be an honest man without it. As long as there is even a hint of secrecy, hidden behaviors or buried truth, you will never be an honest man.
Your integrity is at stake. Without total and complete (FULL) disclosure of your sexual history, the things you’ve done as well as the things done to you, you can never claim to be a man of integrity.
By disclosing your entire sexual history, you begin the healthy process of eradicating shame. Your Timeline Document is your past history — everything you’ve done — and becomes your personal Sexual History Book. Like human history, it’s FACT. It’s out of the dark. It’s in His Light. It is what it is and can’t be changed. It is historical fact. But here’s the GREAT part: now that it’s out, you can choose to NEVER AGAIN allow it to negatively affect your present or your future.
Your marriage goal should be INTIMACY (see the Pyramid nearby). Intimacy requires a foundation of HONESTY (not merely truth). Without it, intimacy in your marriage will remain a mirage. HONESTY = Truth + Forthcoming. Truth is the part of the iceberg above the water. Honesty is the entire iceberg. You know it’s there but your Partner doesn’t. She deserves to know in a safe environment.
When you’re completely honest that honesty begins to build safety. When you pour yourself into the Full Disclosure process and disclose everything, especially that thing or those things that you vowed you would take to the grave with you, you help create safety for your Partner, and that safety ultimately creates safety for you as well.
The safer you can help your Partner feel with you — the “New Man” — trust can begin to be re-built. When she sees that you are willing to share hard truths and “lie no more,” you cultivate a safe place for trust to grow.
Intimacy requires vulnerability. When done right, there is no more vulnerable position for you to be than sharing your sexual history with your Partner in a Full Disclosure. You’ve been honest, you’re creating a safe place, trust is growing slowly, and you’re being completely vulnerable and open with your Partner, probably for the first time ever. Intimacy is just around the corner.
Honesty is the foundation. Safety is built on honesty. Trust is built on safety. Vulnerability comes with trust. And finally, perched on top of the pyramid, is the most exciting and fulfilling part of any relationship: Intimacy, fully knowing another person and being fully known by them.
Honesty is the foundation.
Intimacy, fully knowing another person and being fully known by them.