SEX: Need, Want or Gift? Part I

Content Warning: At the very least I am going to get skeptical “looks” and quite possibly ruffle a few feathers with this blog. I will remind you that I post these as a chronicle of Lynn’s and my Journey and I do not hold the position that what I write is absolute Truth, unless it’s a direct quote from God’s Word, which is ALWAYS true.

SEX: Need, Want or Gift? First of all, I no longer like the word ’sex.’ I appreciate its ease of use and its universal understanding. It rarely requires an explanation. The details and nuances of the term are myriad and could require definition, but the baseline term is, I think, universal. As such it is convenient. And wholly devoid of intimacy. Which is why I now use it sparingly and generally in the context of a physical union that is not healthy, strong nor intimate. I prefer the old fashioned term, “making love.” Let me lay this out for you. Then, of course, you can make up your own mind, find your own stance and use whatever terminology you choose in the manner you like.

This whole thought process really began after I had a chat with a friend of mine who is a licensed, certified counselor. The topic was “In the context of a Christian marriage, what is a “NORMAL” expectation for the frequency of sex.” I immediately made the point that I don’t like that word and used “making love” while he continued to use sex. And we understood each other. I pointed out that after the traumatic experience of betrayal, if, by the Grace of God, the marriage is in recovery the frequency of physical intimacy could be expected to be less than it was before the betrayal was discovered, length of time in recovery, depth of betrayal, etc. all being “X” factors. I tossed out the frequency level of weekly and he was astounded that I could consider that “normal” (now adding that word to my unsatisfactory word list). I offered the possibility that “normal” is defined by the couple themselves and he didn’t like that much, either. I admit that at this point the conversation took a slight turn to the ridiculous while each of us tried to make our points: If a married couple love each other but simply aren’t into the whole making love thing and they choose to engage in it but once a year, on a preset schedule, AND they are both happy with the arrangement, totally devoted to one another, have no desire to stray because they’re “not getting enough” (an addict’s favorite delusion) and dedicated to the Lord they love, then I postulated that was normal for them so it’s okay. He went a little green around the gills and countered with “That’s not only not normal I’m not sure that’s even healthy emotionally or physically.”

NOTE: This was about a 60 minute conversation so you’re obviously only getting minimal highlights. I write this because after I wrote the above I realized that the story as told could be construed in a professionally bad light for him and that is the last thing I intend to do. Therefore, I either have to write a small novel and explain the entire discussion or issue this brief disclaimer. I am assured by parties that would know that he is a very good, very professional counselor.

At that point we left off, neither of us bringing the other to a new point of view but it was a good sparring conversation and it really got me thinking. What was the originally intended role of making love prior even to the fall and sin and society leaving their taint on it? And what is the purpose now? We all understand from Scripture that in part it was to be fruitful and multiply. I remember years ago, Focus On the Family director Dr. James Dobson, quipped that we’ve fulfilled that command very, very well so if that’s no longer the main purpose of making love, what is?

That is my question as well. What’s the point of sex or making love? Is it a Need, a Want or something ever so much better and wonderful – a Gift? Next week I’ll explore these options in Part II.