It’s been a few weeks since I posted. The roller coaster has kept me “thought-less.” There is so much going on and so much where there is no movement I haven’t made the time to sit and reflect on who God is; who is in charge of our lives and what that means for the things that aren’t happening as smoothly and easily as I think they should. Yes. “I.” That hearkens back to the “who God is and who is in charge” reflection. I say, boldly, that I am not! What do my actions say?
When Lynn and I were going through our respective Pure Desire groups, her Betrayal & Beyond Workbooks, and her facilitator, were adamant that I was, as an addict, a liar. Absolutely true and no surprise to Lynn. She could not believe or trust anything that came out of my mouth. The only way to know that there was a true change was to watch my behavior and enforce the “Test of Time.” Would my behavior change and it would last? There is no finish line for the Test of Time. I know some of you will think that’s harsh but it’s really not. It’s a requirement in a relationship. Trust between two intimate partners is always in the test of time. Neither partner in a relationship gets to cease being trustworthy and expect the relationship to survive. Just because ours had to restart at ground zero doesn’t make it any less true of any relationship.
I find this concept to be applicable to my relationship with Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. In our relationship they are 100%, fully and completely, without fail, incapable of being otherwise, trustworthy. It is who they are. The weak link in this relationship then, is … me. Case in point, “Who is in charge?” Do I give Father lip-service only or do my actions and behavior support my words. Do I trust Him in all things, all the time? I long with all my heart to stand straight and tall and shout at the top of my lungs, “YES!! YES, I DO!!” But I cannot. I’m ever so much better at it than I was but the truth is, I am the weak link. Our house sale fell through; there are too many expectations for a 130 year old house. There aren’t any new buyers knocking our door down to see the house. Lynn is already thriving in her new position on the Coast. She comes ‘home’ on weekends but we don’t really have a home right now … emotionally we’ve checked out of this one but there isn’t another one on the horizon. Did God show me a house for us? Yes, He did. Can I see it or touch it? No, I can’t. Yet. Is it happening on my time-frame? No, it isn’t. Is He trustworthy? Yes, He is. Does he keep his promises? Absolutely, yes. So I ask [myself] WHO is failing to pass the Test of Time in this? Yup. Me.
I was sent this devotional at exactly the right moment by a friend of mine. I find in it comfort. I also find in it a strong challenge to make my behavior validate the words of my heart. “Who is in charge?” My amazing Heavenly Father is in charge. He loves me. He loves Lynn. He loves our marriage. He’s called us to the north-central Coast of Oregon. He is trustworthy. “Holy Spirit, help me to make my actions validate my words in all things but especially in this time of uncertainty. In Jesus’ Holy Name. Amen.”