Rebuilder or Destroyer?

Into our lives come all kinds of bits of information.  It comes from sources both expected and unexpected.  Sometimes it’s trite and trivial but sometimes there comes a person or a movie or a book or something that absolutely alters the way you see … life.  Yes.  It can be that affective.

I want to introduce you to a book.  It’s already in my book list but it came up last night in the discussion at my new 7 Pillars group.  And it occurred to me that as I gave it a glowing, magnificent, “You MUST read this book!” review to the guys, that I needed to do more than merely list it in my references section.

This book had a profoundly settling effect on me because it showed me, when I was at the deepest, darkest, filthiest, most lost place ever in my life, and I was trying to claw my way out, that I was doing it right.  That because My Heavenly Father was lighting the way, He was directing my choices and guiding me when I had no clue, that I was doing the restoration “thing” correctly even if I didn’t know it.  If you, the betrayer, are totally SOLD OUT on saving your marriage, willing to do WHATEVER it takes to save your marriage, what … ever … it … costs … but have no idea how to go about it, this is your book.  Let me give you a little hint, Guys.  If you think you know how to do it, if your ego is telling you you’ve got this, my guess is you don’t truly have a clue.  Yes, that’s a broad generality but I hold to its validity.

Ladies, this book is absolutely for you, too.  As I debriefed with Lynn after group (always keeping confidentiality) I told her I had mentioned this book at group.  She said, “I love that book.  It validated my feelings not only of anguish, grief and shame but also the feelings that this was not my fault in any way and that it was YOUR responsibility to fix it.”  So, if I valued Lynn, if I loved her, then it was 100% up to me to prove it.  I could be a Rebuilder or I could be a Destroyer.

The book is called, “
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair” by Linda J. MacDonald. In a mere 90 pages – no wasted words, no mollycoddling, no tiptoeing around reality – the author perfectly details the Betrayer and Betrayed and how to begin healing.

She beautifully describes the five options the betrayer has and the pros (if any) and cons of each choice;

She details the qualities of successful Rebuilders and “Getting it;

She tells us the Three R’s that Successful Rebuilders must be: Resilient, Realistic and Respectful;

And then in her concise, direct writing style, outlines the Essential Steps for Repair:

  • Guidelines for Discovery and Disclosure;
  • Stumbling Blocks to Severing Ties;
  • Undoing the Damage from Your Lies and Rationalizations;
  • How to Change Your Role from Destroyer to Healer;
  • Rebuilding Trust;
  • Responding to Your Spouse’s Triggers;
  • Dealing with Your Partner’s Obsessions;
  • Making Amends with your Children;
  • Changing Your Core Character;
  • But What about My Partner’s Faults?
  • Summary

I realize this isn’t a valid book review but that’s really not my goal.  My goal is to introduce you to a resource that we both believe will be invaluable to both the betrayer and the betrayed, to the Rebuilder and the Wounded.  A word to the wise, Gentlemen.  This is an extremely high standard.  It’s a high standard but one I believe is attainable and I believe it will help lead you to the BEST in your marriage.  God is the God of BESTS.  Not good.  Not Better.  Not even Great.  BEST.  THE absolute BEST.

If you want what God wants, the BEST, most intimate, most relational, most Spiritual marriage imaginable, this is a great place to start.  This book won’t fix anything.  That’s your responsibility.  But it is about relationship.  And intimacy.  And best.  And you can’t miss it in this book.

You were Created To Be Free and live in relationship with God our Father and your darling, beautiful wife.  Are you ALL IN?

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